Brain Cyst: What I have learned in my life (Part Two).
As you could see in the first part, the stage in England was quite intense and above all, it was marked by several lessons that I had to practically force because I did not know how to see the signals or have listened with adequate attention.
Following where we left off and back in Spain at my parents’ house, my health was very deteriorated to the point of suffering severe dehydration and having my digestive system on the verge of inactivity. Several weeks based on a few muesli cookies a day and a little tap water is not a recommended diet for anyone, really. But thanks to the care of my mother, the feeling of protection, and the tireless presence of my cat asking for pampering over and over again I was recovering more or less well.
However, although my strength was recovering and I was beginning to go out into the streets and lead a normal life, there was a conflict within me that I had to resolve urgently since time was not going to stop. January 2 was approaching and the date to catch the plane back to London and therefore to Bournemouth to start over the same story that I left behind. Calls, loneliness, pain, cold, and a constant feeling of an existential emptiness that broke my bones. You can tell he was completely terrified.
I spoke with my parents as best I could, I told them about a situation they were already aware of and they supported me above all to leave work on January 1 and let destiny take its course. Something new would appear in my way to work and solve conflicts. I have to admit that in my family we have always had that certain cool mentality of flowing through life in a responsible way but not very firm and strict as if we were nomads of events.
1.- The signs are there, you just have to learn to listen to them so that they guide you step by step.
15 days later I decided to return with the clear idea of changing everything, home, work, day-to-day habits, and everything you can imagine. With this came a thousand coincidences if we can say it like that although I prefer to believe that it is the universe writing signals one after another until you decide to read and listen. In my particular case, the one that marked me the most and made me take the decisive turn to find that new future happened in the kitchen at lunchtime. Waiting for something to heat up on the fire, I started looking at the job portal I used every day, called “Indeed” for what it’s worth, but this time the search city was not Bournemouth. This time I decided to look at Leeds in the north-central area of England for about an hour from Manchester.
Why? One of my roommates had lived there practically all his life and trying to find a different life and enjoy a renewed air in his love life he decided to move. What if I did the same? At the end of the day, we were simply living the same situation as in different places for our interests. With that in mind and without much thought, I looked for it and the first 4 jobs that were offered were “Graphic Designer”. Perhaps today I would have thought about it a little more, but for me, at that time it was such a clear and direct sign to my face that it didn’t take me two days to prepare the tickets, buy boxes for the move and start planning my new life.
2.- In life, as in the theater, you will play the role of many characters and it can be something wonderful.
At this moment something very curious happened and that makes me laugh every time I think about it, I had transformed into Mercedes, the girl who was looking for a room and by chance, someone writes a message saying
“Hey, you can live in my house, I’ll help you with all the things”
It was a Portuguese girl named Jessica who was very kind and enthusiastic about taking care of the world, although somewhat beaten by the situation. I was working as a nursing assistant waiting to be able to certify the roles as a psychologist and you can imagine that it was not an easy job because of the long hours, demands, and the impotence of wanting to dedicate yourself to your career.
The fact is that everything went smoothly, those times you look at the sky and say … “Thanks for so much help!” Although I do not recommend anyone to change from two trains, to travel half of London with 1 hour of margin loaded with a backpack, bear-sized suitcase, and a computer monitor. Well, if your emotions are strong, it is very likely that you will have a high for 2 weeks.
Once in Leeds and in the only hostel in the city. A single hostel for a city of 400,000 people? This doesn’t have to be right, but that’s how special the city is. To my surprise, the city was even more beautiful than the first time I went up to sightsee and walk around it a bit to capture the vibes it gave me. I don’t know if it was the lights, the people, that winter touch that makes everything more “cool” with a hot chocolate in my hands but it captivated me, something that I hadn’t felt for a long time in the cities I went to.
The pain seemed to subside a bit but it was most likely from the excitement and frenzy of having a whole blank for me with all those opportunities, streets, people, and stories to create.
3.- Priorities need to be efficient or they will consume you.
I signed the contract for a loft on the third floor with a tiny staircase and after 3 days of climbing boxes and boxes, I could say that it was installed in my new castle. The question now was… Where the hell am I? That feeling of uncertainty, of novelty, of being lost and of being very vulnerable invaded me but at the same time, it made me feel good as a little explorer going through the Yucatan Peninsula.
The priorities were clear, I had to find work again, buy food, things for the room, and make snowballs since I was lucky that heavy snow fell in February and hey, having been born in the mountains of Madrid, one has its obligations as citizen haha.
I have to admit that little by little the enthusiasm was giving way to the nervousness of not having interviews, of seeing myself wrapped in the darkness of the past from which I tried to flee with so much force and with the mentality that I could not allow myself to fail. The most important thing that I could do and that you can do in these situations is to learn that you don’t have to force and do twice what you are doing but that you have to do it more efficiently.
I could easily send my CV 70–100 times a day to different offers and even different versions for the same offer if I found the same position. It may seem like a good idea since if more people have your data and expand your opportunities, it will be much easier for someone to want to hire you. It is true but there is a small detail that brings everything down and that is that I was sending those resumes to practically everything that had a minimum relevance with what I wanted to be but not with who I was at the level of work experience.
This caused two problems immediately, and in the first place, I wasted a lot of time searching the pages, filling in forms, and seeing that I had not sent the CV to the company 20 times before. On the other hand, a devastating rebound effect was created and that is that when you open the e-mail and see 37 messages from
“We are sorry but this time you have not been chosen for this offer”
You start to believe that you are worthless and all that string of negative thoughts that come after you. However, the fault or responsibility was entirely mine and that is that if I generated such a high amount of expectations with such low probabilities, failure was more than predictable.
4.- Learn to value, respect, and take care of yourself that the universe will take care of the rest.
As had happened in Reading the first time, I thought that the mall would be the best area to start throwing resumes in hand and although it took me almost 30 minutes by bus, there weren’t many more options living on the outskirts. It didn’t take me more than a week to find a job as a clerk in a clothing store and everything seemed to paint quite well within what was already established as “my new normal” of pain, fatigue, dizziness. Come on, nothing that at this point can be new to you.
Like the new duck on the farm, I didn’t find out much about it being cooked in there for a few weeks as it was only a short shift of about 14–20 hours at most and it wasn’t enough time to find out so to speak … that happens behind the scenes. However, it became clear to me that if people worked there on average between 2 and 3 months before disappearing completely, it couldn’t be the best place in the world. What happened was very simple, I don’t know if the company or the managers wanted a “Bershka but in a glamorous boutique ” kind of store that had the same organization, dedication and appreciation as the luxury stores in the center of Paris. Nobody wanted to go through that ring for a minimum wage, screaming, bad looks, and shifts that changed from one hour to another breaking the week because yes, there you were a replacement for the next one who took your position nothing more.
Tired of all that, of wearing myself out and going back to “optical” mode after several conflicts with the supervisor, I did not hesitate for a moment to say that I was quitting. I had nothing looked at or thought about but anything was better than spending 4–6 hours there placing polyester tops 2.5mm from each other. Call me fussy but I can appreciate aesthetics and beauty in order but everything has a limit.
Already determined to find something related to design, I found a very tempting offer in the city center as a graphic designer for a small startup related to psychology. It sounded interesting and I’m not going to be the hero, if apart from working there I could solve my pending problems at a reasonable price or even have a discount, I would not disgust him. I put on my best clothes, a suit with a tie, well-pressed trousers, perfume, and impeccable shoes as if Elisabeth II herself were visiting.
When I arrived there was another girl so the competition mode turned on a bit since that position had to be mine, it was my opportunity to start to succeed in that city. Everything went out a bit suddenly when in the middle of the interview the founder of the project told me
“You know this is volunteering, right?”
But not volunteering like who cleans a river or a beach but you do the same hours as the average worker, all the tasks and the payment you receive is experience, the payment of transport and £ 5 for food. What has basically been a fellow here in Spain but luckily in somewhat better conditions, I think.
At first, I thought that that couldn’t be true, I couldn’t have hit a dead end again and my expectations made a pretty loud Crack! that had to be heard in the middle of the building. However, a little voice in my head whispered in my ear
How are you not going to catch it? You have nothing else or better place to be. To be locked in your room making designs for nobody, you can be here gaining experience, you save a meal and leave the house.
It sounded very like the typical talk that your grandmother would tell you to do something and dare to risk a little more but that if with the little cardigan on.
It was good there, there was tremendous chaos because with so many volunteer things always started but they didn’t usually end, so there were millions of things in between, but hey it was fun and healthy. Meanwhile, I could try marketing things and send my CV to design companies with a little more packaging. I don’t know, I felt that even though I didn’t have anything, things were perfect and that’s just the beginning since my dreams were growing fast and the desire to work in one of those glass offices, with my fixed schedule, good salary and reputation was about to arrive.
5.- At the peak of “happiness” the light blinds you.
A few months later I managed to find a university program where they offered me training and at the same time I could be working for the company in question with a living wage. Can you imagine where? In my beloved glass offices. He had done it! Well, I still had to prepare the interview.
Accustomed to interviews for a store, I felt quite lost with all that bureaucracy and how to give the best possible image. I am a person with very present humor and very talkative so I did not know whether to control myself more than necessary or just be myself and get that spark that could make a difference.
Once in the interview, everything was great and on the same day, they confirmed that I had been the chosen candidate and that I could start the following week, that I could take it off to celebrate and prepare.
Summer was coming, the city was wonderful and it smelled like a spring that had taken hold, my social circle was growing and I was beginning to meet people with whom to have good times, travel, go out there and most importantly with whom connect to create your own design project with the idea of creating our own agency in the future. Therefore, I had insured money in my dream job, friends, and What is missing? Love? Love came exactly the same day the interview ended. 3 and a half hours later exactly.
When I left the office, I had the feeling that the position was going to be mine, so I couldn’t resist going to tell my friend about it and start celebrating right there in the restaurant where I worked. Around noon a new face crossed the door and, boy, the word would not be a crush but at the same time, that girl captivated me instantly. She had my full attention and interest, but I decided to be cautious both so as not to disturb her and not to cause any problems for my friend.
Oh! The irony of life. I came home and decided to do the typical routine of putting on YouTube for a while, doing some exercises and stretching to take the pain away, and opening Facebook Who appeared in suggested friends on the main screen? Prize!. I couldn’t help it and I started talking to that waitress who had made the day perfect and to my surprise when I wanted to realize it was 5 in the morning and we were still talking.
During the week I invited my friends out for a drink to celebrate the good news and of course, I suggested to her that she join our group. He didn’t know her very much yet but if things went well there would always be time for it. It was a fantastic night accompanied by some delicious drinks and after some bachata dances we ended up holding hands, sitting in the same chair, and with that look we told each other so I couldn’t help kissing her. She couldn’t help kissing me.
6.- Even the greatest empires fell.
In order not to linger too long at this point and lengthen it, I will say that everything that shines so much doesn’t last long. Things are changing and as they say sometimes life gets dirty. Little by little, I was distancing myself from that group of friends due to lack of time and having prioritized my partner more than the plans that were emerging. A serious mistake, but at that time I didn’t have the strength to deal with the situation either.
On the other hand, things with her were not going quite well either. We traveled a lot and spent a lot of time together which is great but soon we realized our incompatibilities. She was very consumerist and I prefer quality, I like to try the typical food of a place and she was from Burger King anywhere and in short, I wanted to travel Europe in a motorhome while she did not accept anything less than hotels from 5 stars. You can imagine the rest.
With so many excesses of bad sleep, traveling, stress, hours on the computer, health again knocked on the door shouting
“Hey, you forgot about me, I’ll leave this to you so it doesn’t happen again”
What happened? For several weeks I had symptoms of dizziness, nausea, problems walking, and concentrating quite strong but that Wednesday the bell would ring. I was lurching through the main streets, my vision blurred almost blank, and I tried to find a toilet in the mall where I could calm down, find safety, and try to figure out what was going on. I ended up in the emergency room, 5 hours of waiting for them to tell me that nothing was wrong. Mind you, my partner blamed me for ruining the night.
The situation was repeated once more the following week, but this time it was no longer me who went to the emergency room, but rather I did the journey in the hospital carriage better known as an ambulance. I will never forget lying on the brink of fainting on the living room sofa and listening to the sound of the ambulance traveling through the city from Leeds General Hospital to the front door.
Admitted to the hospital, terrified, with total weakness and doing tests to rule out a heart attack, my dear girlfriend kept blaming me and saying things as beautiful as
“I wish my mother was here to stay and keep you company while I go home to do my things.
Fascinating, right?.
The next step to being connected to a machine that measured the heart and the rhythms of the arteries was a phrase that I would never have imagined
“We know something is wrong with you and it may be something serious, but we cannot do the tests until the GP asks for them”
And the fact is that the English system has a very complicated and compartmentalized structure, so the next day I was discharged without further ado, with the feeling of loneliness and emptiness that I have never felt. It was as if I was abandoned in the world, without the strength to move my body, completely shattered, and the only place where I could find refuge had given me a ballot with an “emergency appointment” for two weeks later.
Two weeks!? I did not see myself able to endure the next day.
I called my family and my sister directly offered to host me at her home in Reading. Yes, Reading, the first city where I started my adventure in England was calling me again as if we had unfinished business to resolve. Well, there were!
As that trip is the most particular experience that I have lived and everything that comes after it is its own story, I have decided that it deserves its own story with all its details.
